Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury real-estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.

Sure, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Rather than the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are speaking Damascus, town Traditionally known for ancient society, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.

"It may be large. Huge!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed within the putting green inside of Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We've experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. Several of the very best. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."

Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and completely out of position. Developed by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:

A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour until eventually the drone flies")

Along with a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses documented blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable drinking water. But Of course, absolutely sure, let us have A different area wherever American Gentlemen can dress in robes and phone it diplomacy."

Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, certainly."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. foreign policy analysts are calling this quite possibly the most audacious peace attempt given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though previous negotiations failed below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is easier: offer Every person a suite over the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.

Based on documents revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxury diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This is often soft ability," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a agreement along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock requirements fewer diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."

Just what the Critics Are Screaming

Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms put in in each device. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination mentioned, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open up a tower inside of a war zone. It truly is that he really should stop applying it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when questioned regarding the undertaking, replied, "You understand, male, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Very good people. Wonderful tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice cream?"

In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of the Levant."

Satellite Photos Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the lodge's landscaping sorts a giant Trump head seen from Place, a function being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents as well as the chin is… very well, classified.

Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits just after acquiring the constructing's gold plating reflected much daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fireplace to a local melon cart.

"It can be not simply hideous. It's a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty International's regional director.

The Melania Wing together with other Complicated Characteristics

Perhaps the strangest ingredient of your tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:

A silent atrium where by attendees may perhaps ponder vague disappointment

A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, comprehensive with weather Management set to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.

Local Syrians are unsure what to help make of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-yr-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Marketing Approach: "In the event you Bomb It, They Will Arrive"

The advertisement marketing campaign, not long ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A person poster reads:

"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is Forever."

One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:

"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to note."

Public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll executed within a hookah lounge displays:

34% say "it would stabilize the realm"

29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"

18% said "exactly where's the nearest elevator to the West Lender?"

Investor Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"

The venture is already attracting attention from Global investors, which include:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a overseas minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll buy a few penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."

In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial stage will likely involve:

A Dollar Shop of Geopolitical Alliances

A Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Space According to the Iraq War

Remark Portion Chaos

On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Are unable to wait around to discover a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in lieu of rice."

Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Finally, a hotel where my PTSD can have turn-down service."

Another post from Trump Tower Damascus @KuwaitiKardashian simply just questioned:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Influence

U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Stories propose:

China could open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to create a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten involved. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best ground "The Holy See-Level Suite."

Closing Thoughts with the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™

In the closing ceremony that associated 3 camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:

"Damascus necessary hope. It desired gold. It necessary a waterslide formed just like the Constitution. I gave everything a few. You're welcome."